Life goes on around me, but I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. Another friend announced yesterday that she is 3 months pregnant. I smiled, hugged her and asked all the questions that were expected of me. I was excited for her, don’t get me wrong but I just can’t help the green eyed monster popping through.
Last year all my friends and 5 colleagues were pregnant, it felt like everyone was drinking from the magic cup but me. Once all the babies were born I really didn’t find it as hard to cope with, the hard part was looking around the staff room or dinner table at all the pregnant women. Now in the last few weeks it’s starting again – 2 pregnancy announcements, and you all know once the bug bites…
My friend that announced it yesterday was very kind and told me separately. She made a point of considering my feelings which was lovely. It didn’t stop the tears from falling once she left, it didn’t stop the pain I felt as the question ‘why not me’ flew round my head. However it did stop me feeling like a social outcast which many unintentionally do. In the past a few people have avoided it and let me find out thought the grape vine! I mean really, I understands they know I’m an emotional wreck but do they really think I would grudge them the happiness I strive for?
What I think makes it harder is that the friend in question is pregnant with child number 3. She will have 3 children under 4. She married after me and ‘wasn’t really trying’, ffs if only it were so easy! Our friends are all now on to at least baby number 2, I only want one! Of course I’d love a big family but just to have the experience at least once, surely every woman is entitled to that?
People are now beginning to say ‘why don’t you consider adoption?’. Really have you all given up that easily? Are my husband and I the only ones that still believe there is a chance for us? We have both always considered adoption, even before we knew this would happen. However, I want my own child first, I want to feel that baby grow inside my stomach. I want to experience that excitement when I finally see 2 lines on a test. I want to talk to my little one as it grows in my stomach and dream of what he/she will look like. Most of all I want people to stop pitying me and get behind me and be supportive, not avoid the topic altogether.
Obviously I will never understand why people get so freaked out about discussing fertility. I’m there, going through it every day like thousands of other women. We don’t get time to stop thinking about it and if we ever do its brought straight back to our minds by our next dose of meds, by our evil witch showing up, by another pregnancy announcement or by passing a child in the street. Maybe because things come to them so easy the thought of our situation scares them, I really don’t know. I’m not looking for it to be the topic of every conversation but just for it to be as normal as discussing them decorating the new nursery.
Fertility Dreams x