Moving forward to something new

Well today I called the hospital for my review information and as hoped/feared it’s on to ivf now.
This is it.
The last treatment option available to us, if this doesn’t work then who knows? For the last week I have spoken to my husband about what would happen, saying over and over again ‘So do you think we will move on to ivf?’. I think I knew we would and was trying to prepare us both! However today I was in shock and started crying on the phone to the poor nurse. That’s one phone call I bet she wishes she avoided. I came round quickly, it just hit me hard – this is it, it’s real. I don’t know what I think I’ve been doing for the last 5 years. I don’t know what I thought was going on during our 3 attempts at iui and I certainly don’t have a clue what was going through my mind during my clomid induced frenzy. All I know is that today it really did just come to me that we are going through all of this.
Now I have to say I’m feeling good, excited and positive about trying something different. After seeing the reactions of my husband and the would-be grandparents I think it’s a good step towards our dream. We are not going until the 23rd of May which is apparently just for even more paperwork but it just gives us time to get even healthier for the next part of our journey. Let the healthy eating commence!

Baby dust to all
Fertility Dreams x

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3rd time unlucky!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while but things have been up then down! On Tuesday at our day 10 scan I had 3 follicles – 2 x 10mm and 1 x 12mm. My hormone levels were constantly rising (this had never happened before) and my husband and I were on a high. We really thought things were going great and this time the iui would go ahead. We were buzzing and had a fantastic time worry free. How silly could we be? On Thursday when we returned, after two days of guessing follicle sizes and making silly bets with each other, we found out that we were cancelled yet again. Within two days I had at least 11 more follicles decide to sprout. I had 2 x 15mm, 3 x 14mm, 2 x 13mm, 4 x 11mm including some at 12 and 10mm. How the hell did that happen?! They literally sprouted and the hospital were clearly as surprised as us. Another waste of time, hope and dreams we were both shattered. This time we both shed tears, I think for my husband he finally realised this would not be some quick fix and God only knows when or if I will even work at all. I have spent the last few days coming to terms with the fact that it didn’t happen- this time. I feel so exhausted with the whole thing. It is hard enough having bfn after bfn but having two treatments in a row that haven’t reached completion adds another level of frustration! Now believe me I absolutely hated our first 2ww but now I bloody well want one! I feel like a stubborn child and wanted to stamp my foot at the doctor because I wasn’t getting my own way! I hope I haven’t wallowed and complained too much;-) That is why I left writing this post as I am sick of pitying myself and now I can write it without tears!! I know there are couples much worse off than us and I really don’t know how they made it that far! After 5 years of trying I am frustrated beyond belief. In many ways I feel we have spent 5 of our younger years focussing on this when maybe we should have enjoyed being young! Fertility wise I know we still are young but it really does take over your whole life! One thing I know for sure is that each day I become more grateful for my beautiful husband and our gorgeous (surrogate baby) dog:-) 20130307-194558.jpg This, at least for now, is our family and we need to make the most of our time together as I am sure (and I will not give up hope) that one day we will have further additions to keep us busy! Good luck to everyone on their journey Fertility Dreams

Round 3…

Finally! I have started my injections for my third attempt. I actually think I sabotaged my weight after Christmas to avoid this, I really don’t think at that point I was ready to cope with more hormones and disappointment. With that being said I really don’t feel that I am ready now!
Weight check yesterday went fine and when left to ponder what this meant I was filled with tears. Were these tears of happiness, relief, dread, fear? I couldn’t tell you. All I know is that I am glad to be going again but I am filled with worry that:
1. I will get a negative result like the first time
2. I will end up on injections for 3 weeks, clinging to my last bit of sanity only to be cancelled
I’m not sure how I will cope if either of the above happen again. All I know is that this time I am on a two week holiday from work (God bless the school holidays!) and I am going to try my best to use the time to relax and I hope not turn into a green eyed monster/ loony/greeting faced horrible person!
Now although I think it’s good to be off work and try a different approach it worries me. It scares me that during my last attempt I broke down almost daily at 3o’clock. I held it together all day and as soon as the kids left I had no reason to, I was desperate for some time off but I plain refused to take it. This time I have that time and I’m scared I will crumble even quicker and easier with no focus, nothing to hold it together for!
I hold my hands up and admit that today already I have cried once. Only once but it is only 2o’clock so not sure how that will tally up by bedtime! My DH is at work and I am home alone, too tired to go out but bored of staying in! I’m not sleeping well which results in me being easily irritated. I keep getting this annoying half awake/half asleep panic where I feel paralysed and cannot call out for help. The first time it happened I thought I was going to die lol! I’ve not had it for a while now but back again lately and it is horrendous!
Reading back over this I can’t believe how indecisive and unsure of things I have become. That was never me I was always so happy and confident. I suppose after roughly 5 years of trying something’s gotta give. I hope that the confidence I had returns whatever the outcome. I’m sure it will be in some altered form but as long as I can learn to make a decision and pick an emotion!
Best of luck to all on this journey.

Baby dust
Fertility Dreams x

Spot on!

Check this out, classic summary of what we all hear EVERY day!

Rant/Random of the Day

I feel like this is a topic that needs to be addressed. I know many men and women going through the very trying experience of waiting for baby to come along. For some, it’s the first, others the fifth. Some have been waiting 2 months, others 5 years. Some have underlying conditions, others have none and are just trying to stay patient, and patience is hard. It is even harder when you have people (who may or may not have any business talking to you about this in the first place) constantly saying such charming things as these:

1. “Relax!”

I started to make this list in no particular order, and for the most part it is, but this one is the biggie. “Just relax!!!” “You’re too stressed out!” “You’ll never have a baby if you don’t stop thinking about it” or any variant of this is, frankly, insulting…

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Once the bug bites…

Life goes on around me, but I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. Another friend announced yesterday that she is 3 months pregnant. I smiled, hugged her and asked all the questions that were expected of me. I was excited for her, don’t get me wrong but I just can’t help the green eyed monster popping through.

Last year all my friends and 5 colleagues were pregnant, it felt like everyone was drinking from the magic cup but me. Once all the babies were born I really didn’t find it as hard to cope with, the hard part was looking around the staff room or dinner table at all the pregnant women. Now in the last few weeks it’s starting again – 2 pregnancy announcements, and you all know once the bug bites…

My friend that announced it yesterday was very kind and told me separately. She made a point of considering my feelings which was lovely. It didn’t stop the tears from falling once she left, it didn’t stop the pain I felt as the question ‘why not me’ flew round my head. However it did stop me feeling like a social outcast which many unintentionally do. In the past a few people have avoided it and let me find out thought the grape vine! I mean really, I understands they know I’m an emotional wreck but do they really think I would grudge them the happiness I strive for?

What I think makes it harder is that the friend in question is pregnant with child number 3. She will have 3 children under 4. She married after me and ‘wasn’t really trying’, ffs if only it were so easy! Our friends are all now on to at least baby number 2, I only want one! Of course I’d love a big family but just to have the experience at least once, surely every woman is entitled to that?

People are now beginning to say ‘why don’t you consider adoption?’. Really have you all given up that easily? Are my husband and I the only ones that still believe there is a chance for us? We have both always considered adoption, even before we knew this would happen. However, I want my own child first, I want to feel that baby grow inside my stomach. I want to experience that excitement when I finally see 2 lines on a test. I want to talk to my little one as it grows in my stomach and dream of what he/she will look like. Most of all I want people to stop pitying me and get behind me and be supportive, not avoid the topic altogether.

Obviously I will never understand why people get so freaked out about discussing fertility. I’m there, going through it every day like thousands of other women. We don’t get time to stop thinking about it and if we ever do its brought straight back to our minds by our next dose of meds, by our evil witch showing up, by another pregnancy announcement or by passing a child in the street. Maybe because things come to them so easy the thought of our situation scares them, I really don’t know. I’m not looking for it to be the topic of every conversation but just for it to be as normal as discussing them decorating the new nursery.

Fertility Dreams x

Wishful Shrinking

This is it. The last diet ever, well who am I kidding! Back the hospital on the 26th March to get started on those fantastic injections I’ve missed so much. I need to stay on track or risk being turned away yet again for resembling Mr Blobby.

20130307-174724.jpg
One week down and feeling the strain already. Over Christmas and New Year I felt great, no medication and back to my happy self. The worries of conceiving had vanished, the longing feeling when I saw babies barely there…

Now it’s back with a vengeance! Stuck in this permanent menopausal state until the next round begins I’m longing for a baby, getting emotional at the drop of a hat and struggling to diet!

Why is it harder to diet when I need to for this? I just can’t seem to stick to it with the mounting pressure and mood swings. I am permanently tired which means I sleep in and miss breakfast, then busy at work – miss lunch, which then turns into me eating like a pig at night. I hate the way I look now, I hate the way I use food as an emotional crutch. I really need to realise it is not helping and if anything I feel worse!

As if the infertility issues are not enough PCOS decides to slam us all with unsightly weight gain, excess hair, acne. God I could go on forever but I need to get off this pity train, well at least for now:-) I’m going to fill my head with positive thoughts, in fact I think I will write them down so I can look at them when I’ve jumped back on that train!

From now on its healthy eating the whole way. I want to be healthy, look and feel good. The fruit bowl is stocked, the fridge full of my favourite vegetables and I’ve got my diet head on! Let’s just hope I can do it for me, my hubby and my future bundle of joy!

Good luck everyone

Fertility Dreams
x

PCOS Awareness

I have just discovered from reading around that PCOS Awareness month is in September. I also realise that in America they take part in a 5k during the month to help raise awareness. As far as I am aware there is not one in the UK(unless anyone can point me in the right direction). I would love go take part in something like that here as I’m sure many others would be. If anyone 201303032251.pngcould point me in the right direction to suggest this/ help organise it I would be very grateful!

Fertility Dreams x

Poem to my husband

I am certainly no poet but I wrote this for my husband after our previously failed iui.

I feel as though my heart will break,

If I cannot fill this longing ache.

To share a baby with my one true love,

A precious gift from up above.

I want to give you a baby so much,

Share a bond that no one can touch.

It really hurts to see you sad,

To know I’m the cause makes me feel so bad.

I know our love is strong and true,

It’s my saving grace when I feel blue.

I’m glad that we are in this together,

This way we will stay forever.

I hope one day our dream comes true,

To share a likeness of me and you.

Fertility Dreams x

Here we go again

After a much needed break from our fertility treatment it’s that time again. After  four and half years of ttc, 2 operations, 2 failed iui attempts and a whole lot of hormones it’s finally time to jump back in and get going!

I’m 28 years old and have PCOS which has been our main hurdle during this journey.  Being able to maintain a suitable  weight for treatment and being able to stay sane when injecting hormones are the main problems I’ve had so far.

It has been so difficult to watch our friends pop out two and three children whilst we struggle get have just one. The pain and disappointment that comes with each failed hpt makes me wonder if it will ever be our turn.

Hopefully through this blog I can find a way to relieve my stress and feelings during our next steps.  It would be lovely to think that I may also be able to lend some support to women going through the same thing and that they too can realise that we are not alone!

Baby dust to all

Fertility Dreams x